from 12/23/08
You're Not Majoring In Rocket Science, Are You?Abby, that’s so funny, you ended your set with being Jewish on Christmas, that’s what I’m starting my set with! No, seriously, I’m just gonna touch on a few of these things cause I got other stuff to talk about, but as a Jew on Christmas, I can tell you about the mild undercurrent of Anti-
Semetism found in the movie A Christmas Story. Yes, we all remember Schwartz, snotty little rat kid, you know, they
didn’t even give him a first name for fuck’s sake! And they gave him the most Jewish sounding name possible. When
Ralphie says the word “fuck,” it might has well have been like, “Where did you hear that word?”
“JEW!”I can also tell you about the mental instability of the doll from Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. That’s right. Everybody asks why the doll is a misfit toy, she seems like a perfectly normal doll, well, she has mental problems. My personal theory is she’s a cutter. Because she fits the cutter profile: young, female, depressed.
Here’s what fits the Holiday Fear theme: Bill O’Reilly’s attempt to exclude all non-Christians from the holiday season by saying that the phrase “Happy Holidays” is an attempt by the political left-wing to destroy the great “American” tradition of Christmas. I wish I was kidding. Never mind that it originates in the Middle East, celebrates the birth of someone who’s Jewish and is essentially the co-opting of the pagan celebration of the Winter Solstice. Fucking asshole, I fucking hate him.
Now, what I also want to talk about is, one of my favorite shows ended last week: Celebrity Rehab. As a writer, reality TV offends me, but I love Celebrity Rehab. When it started this year there were a few people addicted to painkillers. Now, I work for a pharmaceutical advertising agency, and one of the drugs I work on is
Opana, which is a painkiller. An Opiate painkiller, like
Vicodin and
Oxycodon, very addictive. Unfortunately, none of the cast members were addicted to
Opana, so we missed out on that chance for free advertising.
My favorite person on the show is Amber Smith. She a model, very beautiful, and an actress, and I use the term loosely, she basically just sits there and smiles, although, I gotta give her mad props because she was in LA Confidential and that’s one of my favorite movies. She was the hooker cut to look like Rita
Hayworth. Anyway, it turned out, on the show, she said that she’d prostituted herself, and as soon as I heard that, I went running for the cash machine. I mean, I probably
couldn’t afford a whole session, but I should be able to scrape together fifty dollars, that ought to get me thirty seconds, that’s all I need. Twenty seconds even! Just in,
bam, boom, out, there you go. Aw,
doesn’t matter, if you have
dvr you can freeze frame and take care of business for free. It’s good too, it’s also a good idea to get all your porn online, without magazines you’re saving paper. It’s masturbation gone green. So when you forget to throw out a can and someone hassles you, you can tell them you’re doing your part every day. Sometimes twice, it depends on the person.
Anyway, one of the other people is Gary Busy, because apparently he has nothing better to do than star in anti-American movies from Turkey about the Iraq war. Yeah, he played a Jewish doctor who vivisects Iraqi prisoners to sell their organs to people in New York.
(pause)
I realize that’s not a very happy story, so moving on, one of the things they did on the show was, they thought it would be nice for him to have a screening of The Buddy Holly Story. His defining role, his high point as an actor, Oscar nominated role. So Rod Stewart’s son, who as far as I know has never done anything except be in another reality show about being Rod Stewart’s son, says, “What’s it about?” As if the word, “Story”
didn’t tip him off. It’s about dinosaurs. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT’S ABOUT?! So they told him it’s about Buddy Holly, and he goes, “Who’s Buddy Holly?” And Gary just stands there staring at him like he’s gonna stab him in the head, like he’s gonna punch him in the throat. Then he says,
“BUDDY HOLLY IS ONE OF THE FOREFATHERS OF ROCK AND ROLL.”Which he is, Buddy Holly’s awesome. How much time do I have left?
“One minute, three seconds.”
Ok, that means I have time to sing a little Buddy Holly. This is my favorite song of his. I had to look up the lyrics on my phone.
(singing)
Dun dun dun dune
Be
ne ne, be
ne ne, BE NE NE
Blue days, black nights,
Blue tears keep on
fallin' for you dear,
Now you're gone
Blue days, black nights,
My heart keeps on
callin' for you dear,
And you alone
Memories of you make me sorry
I gave you reason to doubt me
But now you're gone
And I am left here all alone
With blue memories, I think of you
Thanks.
Namaste.
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Author's Note:
I realize this rehashes some material from the previous post, but it seemed appropriate, timing wise. The person referred to in the beginning was the previous performer. I know it seems esoteric out of context but I like to transcribe the sets as accurately as memory allows.